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Post by unclenny on Oct 27, 2012 14:42:33 GMT -5
Here is a GOS offering (Germ Of Something)  Just a verse and a chorus. I really like the chorus......not so much the verse. The opening rhymes are just to obvious for my taste. I'd like to see if there is something here that might be worth developing. www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11967386&q=hiVerse You're on a tightrope And all that you might hope Is to get to where you are bound If you step lightly There just might be a way But don't look down There is trouble on the left Danger on the right And no way to turn back around PreChorus You know why You still have to try Chorus If you fall I will catch you I'll be your net You can bet that I won't let you down If you fall I will catch you And ease you to the ground If you fall I will be there  |
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Post by bee3 on Oct 27, 2012 15:44:09 GMT -5
Can't listen at the moment, but can you really get away with 'If you fall I will catch you'?
Cyndi Lauper all the way...
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Post by unclenny on Oct 27, 2012 16:12:32 GMT -5
I had no idea.........
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Post by mrkelley on Oct 27, 2012 16:46:04 GMT -5
Here is a GOS offering (Germ Of Something) Just a verse and a chorus. I really like the chorus......not so much the verse. The opening rhymes are just to obvious for my taste. No time to listen now. But a synonym for "tight rope" is "high wire." |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 27, 2012 16:52:37 GMT -5
That's good......I may explore an entire new lyric for the verse.
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Post by leeknight on Oct 27, 2012 17:24:03 GMT -5
Here is a GOS offering (Germ Of Something) Just a verse and a chorus. I really like the chorus......not so much the verse. The opening rhymes are just to obvious for my taste. I'd like to see if there is something here that might be worth developing. www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11967386&q=hiVerse You're on a tightrope And all that you might hope Is to get to where you are bound If you step lightly There just might be a way But don't look down There is trouble on the left Danger on the right And no way to turn back around PreChorus You know why You still have to try Chorus If you fall I will catch you I'll be your net You can bet that I won't let you down If you fall I will catch you And ease you to the ground If you fall I will be there I LIKE the verse. A lot! There's stuff going on that if you intended it, well, you're one hip mofo, Tightrope and might hope are gold. And "bound", with "rope" That's good. It kinda speaks to how we are sometimes bound by our goals. I really love that verse. One small idea you may or may not like, Trouble TO the left Danger TO the right The hard "T" works with "Trouble" and "Turn back around". Like I said, it's small, and what you have works VERY well to my mind, but you might try playing with that alliteration a little and see if you like the tongue tickles of it. Or, as always, not.  I really like the verse, Len. And nice rhythmic bounce to the guitar part. Works well with the sung line. A+ so far from me at least. |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 27, 2012 18:06:21 GMT -5
Nodding....... I've been playing this thing live throughout the evening and I did end up using trouble TO the left. I'm starting to like that verse as well. You know that I was all about that way cool rope and bound thing. Of course I was. You can be assured that I was because....I am one hip mofo. |
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Post by mrkelley on Oct 27, 2012 18:10:20 GMT -5
I just listened to it and it's terrific. I agree with my brother in arms (LK). That opening line is great! Nice start! |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 27, 2012 18:15:39 GMT -5
All good Lenny. At the moment the guitar rhythm is distracting from the lyric rhythm, but the lyric rhythm is excellent when read.
One area of problem sylabubbles might be rectified thus:
There is trouble at left
Danger at right
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Post by oswlek on Oct 27, 2012 22:32:18 GMT -5
Reading the lyrics brings a few other songs to mind.
"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right"
And of course, Lauper's "Time After Time"
Neither bothered me as much while listening, though.
What did bother me was the pacing of the verse. Something is wrong with it. It might be the guitar clashing with the vocals, or it might be the vocals being too choppy and obviously focused on the rhyme. But there is something amis.
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Post by unclenny on Oct 28, 2012 4:10:10 GMT -5
Thanks folks....this one started as an ode to a friend who, well....fell down. I wanted to get to writing something and get it out here to turn up the heat on this fine new forum (Thanks Bee! ). It seems now to be taking on a life of its own so I'm going to take my time and develop it properly. I agree that it is a bit choppy. That rhythm, though, may well be one of the song's strong points if I can get it under control. Working on song structure and lyrics today. |
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Post by graceslick on Oct 28, 2012 5:59:33 GMT -5
....this one started as an ode to a friend who, well....fell down. They just...fell down? Wow. Your friend sounds pretty clumsy. lol |
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Post by bee3 on Oct 28, 2012 8:41:22 GMT -5
Thanks folks....this one started as an ode to a friend who, well....fell down. I wanted to get to writing something and get it out here to turn up the heat on this fine new forum (Thanks Bee! ). It seems now to be taking on a life of its own so I'm going to take my time and develop it properly. I agree that it is a bit choppy. That rhythm, though, may well be one of the song's strong points if I can get it under control. Working on song structure and lyrics today. I tried to do the same last night... but I, er, fell... Just one of those unproductive nights. Could have something to do with my attendance at two Halloween parties for the kids where the grownups were served ample amounts of beer. |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 28, 2012 17:58:39 GMT -5
Did a bit of work on it today. Here are the revised lyrics as well as the revised arrangement. This tune might be strong enough to stand up as just guitar and vocals but with this arrangement I have left lots of room for additional instrumentation. Any and all comments regarding lyrics, arrangement, instrumentation...or general musical attitude...will be appreciated. www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11967386&q=hiVerse 1 You're on a tightrope And all you might hope for Is to get yourself to where you are bound If you step lightly There just might be a way But don't look down There is trouble to the left Danger to the right And no way to turn back around PreChorus You know why You still have to try Chorus If you fall I will catch you I'll be your net You can bet that I won't let you down If you fall I will catch you And ease you to the ground If you fall I will be there instrumental Verse 2 You were down for the count Down but not out Living life lean Now you're up on the mountain And your life is a fountain Of golden dreams I know how you are I know who you've been And things might not be as they seem You know I Can help I'll surely try Instrumental Interlude Chorus |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 28, 2012 18:54:40 GMT -5
OK Lenny me lad - the honest critique - Great lyric as usual. You always have interesting content.
But musically? With your opus. you introduced us to other places that Lenny can go musically, and I'm always hoping in anticipation for that kind of innovation when you post a new song. But this one sounds like most of what you've done before.
Given that your storylines are always different, then why not in the supporting music?
The unique Lenny flavour flowed through the whole of the opus, but also provided la difference in the individual movements.
Still love your work and your originality, but I guess I'm asking, couldn't there be greater variation within that originality. Tough call?
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Post by unclenny on Oct 28, 2012 19:01:47 GMT -5
Smile. I can only be who I am. I am not much of a musician, really......cowboy chords for the most part with some bold variations. I have considered this problem. I have decided that I will just keep writing the tunes that come, even if they are all pretty much the same song. What else can I do? |
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Post by oswlek on Oct 28, 2012 19:02:31 GMT -5
I agree with OGP that this has a recent Len feel, but I have to say that I really enjoyed it. Whatever issues with phrasing and tempo I was hearing yesterday are completely gone. I'd keep the song as is, personally.
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 28, 2012 19:07:55 GMT -5
Smile. I can only be who I am. I am not much of a musician, really......cowboy chords for the most part with some bold variations. I have considered this problem. I have decided that I will just keep writing the tunes that come, even if they are all pretty much the same song. What else can I do? OK - I just wanted to try a gentle nudge, but I won't mention it again. BTW - I'm hearing a lot more than just a few cowboy chords. |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 28, 2012 19:47:52 GMT -5
Thanks, guys.
And thanks for that nudge OGP. You as well, Justin. I know you guys are right. Hey, maybe once or twice too often from the same well.
I've been thinking that maybe a short break is in order. That might just be the ticket.
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Post by graceslick on Oct 28, 2012 23:38:45 GMT -5
Me thinks any sort of break may not be possible for such an inspired mind as your's... I am the same. Whenever I try and take a break and get some distance from my own self, I end up coming back with a song almost immediately. |
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Post by monkeyuncle on Oct 29, 2012 5:42:31 GMT -5
Reading the lyrics brings a few other songs to mind. "Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right" And of course, Lauper's "Time After Time" Neither bothered me as much while listening, though. What did bother me was the pacing of the verse. Something is wrong with it. It might be the guitar clashing with the vocals, or it might be the vocals being too choppy and obviously focused on the rhyme. But there is something amis. Hey! Here's something on which Justin and I can agree!  I also picked up on the triteness of the left/right and fall/catch ideas. If it were me, I would definitely find a way to re-write those lines. I realize this means pretty much ditching the current chorus. Nothing wrong with the basic sentiment, but the word choices are just too familiar for my tastes. I do really like the rhythm, melody, and harmony. Mrkelly said in Rick's recent thread that simplicity is one of the hardest things to do. You do it really well, Lenny. |
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Post by rickdieffenbach on Oct 29, 2012 10:09:21 GMT -5
Cool song.
The first verse, I thought could be simplified a bit. Here are a few suggestions.
EXISTING:
You're on a tightrope
And all you might hope for
Is to get yourself to where you are bound
If you step lightly
There just might be a way
But don't look down
There is trouble to the left
Danger to the right
And no way to turn back around
WILD & RIDICULOUS THOUGHTS OF MINE:
You're on a tightrope
And all you might hope [simplified]
Is to get to where you're bound [simplified]
Just step lightly [simplified]
and there might be a way [simplified]
But don't look down
Trouble to the left [simplified]
Danger to the right
And no way to turn around [simplified]
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Post by unclenny on Oct 29, 2012 11:21:34 GMT -5
I appreciate all these excellent ideas, my good friends. I do like this one enough to see if I can make something out of it. But for now.....I am battening down the hatches and getting ready for 100 mph gusts and heavy rain. About to shut down the studio. It might be a few days....... So....I just did a quick jam to leave you with. No time to edit......internet is on and off already. See y'all in a few days. www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11970337&q=hi |
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Post by leeknight on Oct 29, 2012 11:32:22 GMT -5
It's funny that the one people mention could be changed up is the one I think he DID change up. I love this one and really enjoy its sycopated rock rhythm without what I consider some of the Lennyisms that get a little in the way sometimes. So... for me... I think this one is spot on. But going forward, with this tune, I would avoid some of the regular accoutrements your songs include and stay treue to this initial spark.
But hey... that's just me.
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Post by oswlek on Oct 29, 2012 11:43:29 GMT -5
It's funny that the one people mention could be changed up is the one I think he DID change up. I love this one and really enjoy its sycopated rock rhythm without what I consider some of the Lennyisms that get a little in the way sometimes. So... for me... I think this one is spot on. But going forward, with this tune, I would avoid some of the regular accoutrements your songs include and stay treue to this initial spark. But hey... that's just me. Hey! I said I wouldn't change a thing about this one. |
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Post by mrkelley on Oct 29, 2012 14:32:28 GMT -5
It's funny that the one people mention could be changed up is the one I think he DID change up. I love this one and really enjoy its sycopated rock rhythm without what I consider some of the Lennyisms that get a little in the way sometimes. So... for me... I think this one is spot on. But going forward, with this tune, I would avoid some of the regular accoutrements your songs include and stay treue to this initial spark. But hey... that's just me. Hey! I said I wouldn't change a thing about this one. Me neither. |
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Post by rsadasiv on Oct 29, 2012 15:18:08 GMT -5
I appreciate all these excellent ideas, my good friends. I do like this one enough to see if I can make something out of it. But for now.....I am battening down the hatches and getting ready for 100 mph gusts and heavy rain. About to shut down the studio. It might be a few days....... So....I just did a quick jam to leave you with. No time to edit......internet is on and off already. See y'all in a few days. www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11970337&q=hiBe safe ... I'm listening to this hunkered down in my basement with a tree down on our street already and the rain pouring down. |
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Post by graceslick on Oct 29, 2012 18:39:44 GMT -5
Hope everyone in the storm areas are ok..
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Post by unclenny on Oct 31, 2012 10:19:16 GMT -5
Hey, friends! Writing on a borrowed barely charged laptop.......still no power to the studio. Been playing this one over and over with cold fingers on the Kalamazoo. Can't wait to get back to it and to catch up with the other material that has been posted. Back properly very soon. |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 31, 2012 10:22:37 GMT -5
I'm listening to this hunkered down in my basement with a tree down on our street already and the rain pouring down. Hope all is well, Ram. |
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