Ordinary Life - Reverb mess fixed, finally done

What's the "one mistake"?

I say yes... get a proper recording. I really like the chord progression... it's familiar, but not in a bad way. It's rather comforting...

The melody reminded me of your Coffee song.

Yes, I think it's good. And yes, I agree that it isn't as good as your newer stuff. And yes, it it should be revisited. There's a lot of really good stuff here. The melody is great, the vibe holds up real well. But it lacks any melodic development.

That's col on the one hand, as bee mentioned, it's comforting. Still, like a great Beatle tune, they're going to have qualities like you have here, but they're also going to offer more. More places to go, each section will have a distinct sound to it, and more focus lyrically. I don't mean more story... I mean taking advantage of your lyric winners. Setting them up. Focusing the images that are working. It feels unintentionally without aim. And that almost works but for me, not quite yet.

I'd figure out what's great about it and focus on that, then find a place or two that you can go melodically.

And, I'd try to give a bit of percolating rhythm instead of the dirge treatment. You got a good melody and chords, why Volga boat men it? Even just a little more toward Across the Universe would lift it a bit. But I really do think there is a lot a very good stuff inside.

Definitely worth a revisit. I like the lyric for what it is. We may aspire to greater things, but sometimes things are simply good for what they are.

The cover also conveys something about the innate quality of the song as well.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Based on your replies here are some general thoughts I have on this direction.

Lee, you aren't the first person who has told me that the tempo or strumming pattern could use some tweaking. I'm leaning towards stealing from Jock's cover to solve that problem.

As for the melody, I had a mild epiphany this morning while pondering my off hand "Strawberry Fields" reference. It struck me that SF has not melodic development either, it just hides the repetitiveness in an altering orchestral arrangement playing fresh counter melodies.

Aside from being a stronger melody overall, what makes it really work is two things.

1) It starts with the hook.

2) It doesn't stay in one place long eough to make its sameness apparent.

In light of this I'm considering altering the opening to a horn section playing the vocal melody. That way the listener can get the meat of the song sooner.

I'm also looking for ideas on how to trim that opening verse down to three stanzas to get to the chorus sooner. I have a couple ideas for this, but I feel like I am a little too close. Can anyone point at sections in the first verse that they feel aren't necessary to help me trim one stanza off?

If I can't do that, I'll probably borrow Jock's idea by going high with the fourth verse melody.

Thanks, Lee. So, you don't think I need to trim off a stanza from the first verse, just alter the melody on the last one?

And what do you think about the idea of opening on the an interlude with the melody of the chorus?

I think the 4 verses work fine as is. They're short enough that I sort of think of them as 2.

I think the way your friend does the song works a bit better because he seems to be finding variations in the tune. His is at least a minute longer than yours and there's no feeling of "same-iness" to it.

And his outro with the piano is really good.

I disagree with Lee Knight about needing to make the chorus different from the verses, with the obvious caveat that he knows much more than I do about song structure, particularly in pop songs.

"Strawberry Fields" has some kick-ass harmonic, melodic and rhythmic development. That line -- "It's getting harder to be someone but it all works out" -- is a perfect example.

After relistening to both, I think I might just ask my buddy if he still has all the tracks and if he can just send me them individually.

Lee, I've been pondering the v/c similarity and it isn't bothering me. I might try playing with the key of each and seeing if I can fake my way through it.

Yeah, it might be really cool trying a key thing. Or not. As always,
I defer to the writer. Of course. Just tossing out impressions for ideas.

But you know, you did say it bugged. That something was there that you really disliked. Just supplying options as always. As always.

I'm sure it happens all the time in bands that one person may bring in a new song, and the next person has the luxury of hearing it for the first time, and finds it easy to take it to the next level. No sweat.

"Just not when I listen to Jock's version". To me, it's still an issue there as well. I'm not saying that if I heard this on a record I'd notice the issue, what I am saying though is, as a WIP, now is the time to tighten that up. And honestly, writer to writer, I don't think it is on par with your best stuff, even in the cover version, because of the lack of melodic variation. It never goes to another place even subtly.

I see others disagree. I respect that. But I do disagree with them as well.

AIn't nothin' wrong with it the way it is, and if that's what you're going for, cool. But you're saying it bothers you. Me too. And I think that's why. Having said all that, I'll let it rest because it sounds like you are developing a focus here. Cool...

I know that one well.