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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 8, 2012 9:07:13 GMT -5
I'm gonna try writing this here, leeknight style....
John Ashbery
The cocktail jazz furnishings of the living room
Are unsuited to our urban/R&B lifestyle.
The invitations keep piling up
Although I'm not sure if I am too interested
In sharing time that way. Can't I just
Acquire my own greedy pile
To spend however I wish?
I've known John for years
We went to school together
But recently he's been getting
Rather dog eared. A little floppy
Not perking up whenever I walk into a room
Wearing one of my fancy Nantucket sweaters
Like I did on the Cape when we first met.
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Post by leeknight on Nov 8, 2012 9:36:28 GMT -5
I'm unclear as to who the characters are. There's a you, and an us as in "our urban lifetyle". There's this John guy. He's not one of the us. Is the protagonist a gay male? I like some of the wordplay and images but I don't get what you're saying or what your intent is here. That may be your motive, I'm not sure. Invitations? Spending them? I like that though I'm confused by it. Greedy pile and lifestyle really works, it's a cool image but feels without weight cause I don't' get it. So tell me true... Am I stupid? And why did John ever "perk up" at your sweaters? That's kind of creepy. Unless you're gay here. Or a woman? Do you miss his attention? OK... I googled JA. I'm still lost. I am, aren't I? Stupid I mean. BTW, I like it!  |
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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 8, 2012 9:45:27 GMT -5
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Post by leeknight on Nov 8, 2012 10:00:52 GMT -5
OK... so who's "us"? That's not John and you, right? This is a gay couple, where does the poet JA come in? You're talking to your partner about how JA used to pay attention to you but lately...
Like I said, I feel stupid.
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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 8, 2012 10:07:22 GMT -5
John Ashbery has a very distinctive voice on the page. It's so distinctive that sometimes it's hard to judge anything else about the poem. A lot of times it's like a transcription of an artsy-gay-New Yorker nattering on about quotidien daily life which gets cut into bits and then randomly re-assembled with an eye for striking juxtapositions.
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Post by oldgitplayer on Nov 8, 2012 10:10:38 GMT -5
Do you mean that this is your rough sketch, and now you're going to squeeze your oils on to the palette, and stare at the canvas for a while?
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Post by unclenny on Nov 8, 2012 16:29:24 GMT -5
I never really know if there is a song in your stuff like this.....but it never, ever matters.  There is an amazing flow and cadence to these lines exactly as they are. I REALLY love the way you write.  |
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Post by oswlek on Nov 8, 2012 18:06:49 GMT -5
It has a solid flow, but feels unfocused. "John Ashbery" - the name itself carries a lot of weight, just the sound of it feels important, but I don't think you've dug out why yet. At the moment it is more poem than song, IMO.
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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 8, 2012 20:00:09 GMT -5
Maybe reduce the John Ashbery pastiche down to a simple name drop.
We're meeting uptown in the New York Public Library
Hanging in the city with my bud, John Ashbery
Inside the daily details he's saying something really deep
You gotta brush your teeth and you always gotta get your sleep
We'll speak in French translation and we'll tour the artist's gallery
Hanging in the city with my bud, John Ashbery
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Post by mrkelley on Nov 9, 2012 10:33:51 GMT -5
I'm gonna try writing this here, leeknight style.... John Ashbery The cocktail jazz furnishings of the living room Are unsuited to our urban/R&B lifestyle. The invitations keep piling up Although I'm not sure if I am too interested In sharing time that way. Can't I just Acquire my own greedy pile To spend however I wish? I've known John for years We went to school together But recently he's been getting Rather dog eared. A little floppy Not perking up whenever I walk into a room Wearing one of my fancy Nantucket sweaters Like I did on the Cape when we first met. I really like this as the beginning of something. |
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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 10, 2012 17:36:59 GMT -5
It's a list
With a twist
Which will be quite amusingly witty
Oh what bliss
(Oh my lisp)
But you look so unbearably pretty
It's cocktails and showgirls and glam evening wear
A night out in Manhattan with nary a care
When I enter the party everyone will stare
But inside I'm incredibly lonely
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Post by oldgitplayer on Nov 10, 2012 20:44:35 GMT -5
It's a list With a twist Which will be quite amusingly witty Oh what bliss (Oh my lisp) But you look so unbearably pretty It's cocktails and showgirls and glam evening wear A night out in Manhattan with nary a care When I enter the party everyone will stare But inside I'm incredibly lonely This is excellent as a stand-alone piece. You have a knack / talent for stuff like this. It is quality social frivolity. |
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Post by rsadasiv on Nov 11, 2012 0:16:33 GMT -5
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Post by leeknight on Nov 11, 2012 11:51:30 GMT -5
It's a list With a twist Which will be quite amusingly witty Oh what bliss (Oh my lisp) But you look so unbearably pretty It's cocktails and showgirls and glam evening wear A night out in Manhattan with nary a care When I enter the party everyone will stare But inside I'm a... But inside I'm a.... Lonely orphan on the half shell Dean Moriarty without a ride A barefoot Huckleberry With no Tom to match my stride Check out the arm candy, I'm a dandy fit and tied It's cozy at the top, babe, but it's lonely here inside |
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