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Post by stickboy on Jan 9, 2013 9:35:46 GMT -5
Hello others I am not having much joy at all on the other site. SO I posted this quick demo on there and we all agreed it needed fleshing out. soundcloud.com/stickboy/i-hope-i-see-you-soon-demoI have now written another verse, altered a few lyrics from this demo and hopefully have a full structure for the song. Any of these lyrics jumping out for change? There's a wicked wind a blowin through the city tonight and it's turnin everything to ruin right before my eyes I just hope you will forgive me for my shame and hold me like a candle holds a flame And theres a desert heat a burnin strong and angry at my feet and the sound of distant drummers tryin to hammer out a beat I just hope that you'll remember my name and hold me like a candle holds a flame There's a weakness in the way you make me feel Cos theres a sweetness in everything you do This wicked wind may take me and blow me to the moon Oh darlin I hope I see you soon Oh darlin I hope I see you soon There’s an angry storm a brewin hangin heavy in the air And a crowd of people running Shouting “ be safe and beware” I just hope you can protect me from this rain And hold me like a candle holds a flame There's a weakness in the way you make me feel Cos theres a sweetness in everything you do This fierce storm may take me and blow me to the moon Oh darlin I hope I see you soon Oh darlin I hope I see you soon Oh darlin I hope I see you soon |
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Post by leeknight on Jan 9, 2013 10:21:47 GMT -5
I haven't listened to the update but I love the lyric and structure additions. It has an almost Dylan-like form, those old folk tunes. I love what you've done here. Looking forward to listening later...
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Post by stickboy on Jan 9, 2013 10:31:22 GMT -5
I haven't listened to the update but I love the lyric and structure additions. It has an almost Dylan-like form, those old folk tunes. I love what you've done here. Looking forward to listening later... Just so you know - I have posted the original demo here so it is no different form the one on the other site Will be re recording over weekend Please speak up if any lyrics are bothering you please before i record - ta |
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Post by leeknight on Jan 9, 2013 10:55:45 GMT -5
Please speak up if any lyrics are bothering you please before i record - ta I just thought I'd point out how MUCH I like the way your stress pattern changes for each opening line of the three "A sections". It's pretty cool. Not anything you sit down and plan but your intuition here really worked out well. I love that feel and how it changes... There's a WICKED wind a BLOWIN' through the CITY tonightand it's turnin everything to ruin right before my eyes I just hope you will forgive me for my shame and hold me like a candle holds a flame And theres a DESERT heat a BURNIN' strong and ANGRY at my FEETand the sound of distant drummers tryin to hammer out a beat I just hope that you'll remember my name and hold me like a candle holds a flame There’s an ANGRY storm a BREWIN' hangin HEAVY in the AIRAnd a crowd of people running Shouting “ be safe and beware” I just hope you can protect me from this rain And hold me like a candle holds a flame |
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Post by bee3 on Jan 9, 2013 11:21:21 GMT -5
Just an observation: In the first verse, you're in a city - In the second, you've moved to the desert... I don't think it's a big deal, maybe I'm missing something.
Love the song though...
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Post by leeknight on Jan 9, 2013 11:29:21 GMT -5
Just an observation: In the first verse, you're in a city - In the second, you've moved to the desert... I don't think it's a big deal, maybe I'm missing something. Love the song though... Instead of: And theres a desert heat a burnin' strong and angry at my feet He could: And theres a desert heat a burnin' strong and angry THROUGH THE STREETS I took the "desert" to be more desriptive of the heat than of the locale. But I do see you point there, bee. |
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Post by bee3 on Jan 9, 2013 11:34:18 GMT -5
^Oh yeah... that's good. Nothing like seeing the heat in waves above the street.
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Post by stickboy on Jan 9, 2013 11:38:23 GMT -5
Cool I certainly meant it as a ref to how hot the temperature is but I like lees change so will stick that in
thanks!
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Post by bee3 on Jan 9, 2013 11:39:18 GMT -5
Amazing... we're commenting like crazy over here. Imagine that...  |
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Post by stickboy on Jan 9, 2013 11:40:26 GMT -5
Amazing... we're commenting like crazy over here. Imagine that... and it all just.....well....works |
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Post by rickdieffenbach on Jan 9, 2013 11:50:47 GMT -5
Stick,
Lovely melodically.
My one comment, is that... at least in America, a candle does not hold a flame. Candles are held, and hands protect the flame of a candle, but I've never come across candle holding a flame. Rationally I know what it means, and I suppose it's close enough to work.
That being said, I am searching my brain is there a replacement for this... and can't come up with any.
It's not a huge deal, and its a cool song so I think it doesn't matter too much.
Rick
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Post by stickboy on Jan 9, 2013 11:52:32 GMT -5
Stick, Lovely melodically. My one comment, is that... at least in America, a candle does not hold a flame. Candles are held, and hands protect the flame of a candle, but I've never come across candle holding a flame. Rationally I know what it means, and I suppose it's close enough to work. That being said, I am searching my brain is there a replacement for this... and can't come up with any. It's not a huge deal, and its a cool song so I think it doesn't matter too much. Rick If the candle is not holding the flame then what is? Is it just balancing in static lonliness? |
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Post by rickdieffenbach on Jan 9, 2013 11:58:21 GMT -5
To me, a candle carries a flame. The phrase "holding a candle", as in "can't hold a candle to so and so or such and such" is a common phrase. I suppose what makes it satisfying is that candles themselves are held. I tried to google for anything "hands holding a flame" at at least in the first page or so nothing pops out other than quite literal translations (stock photos, science e3xperiments...)
It's not that big of a deal, in that one can rationally make teh connection to what you mean in the lyrics quite easily. The song works nicely. If there was a better replacement that kept the rhymes and the metaphor you are going for, it should be considered. But otherwise go with this.
Rick
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Post by leeknight on Jan 9, 2013 12:25:26 GMT -5
A candle holding a flame is certainly not a stock phrase. Or, from what I know, a phrase at all. That seems like a GOOD thing to me...
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Post by rickdieffenbach on Jan 9, 2013 12:46:17 GMT -5
Just to mention, I know its not a stock phrase. And I am not suggesting that because it's not a stock phrase don't use it. The only thing I was trying to say is it's a tiny bit non-nonsensical, gave me a touch of confusion for a milli second when I heard it. That's all.
Non-stock phrases that someone has coined in the song are great... I mean all these phrases that we say are cliche were once new and sexy. Alternately, a phrase that doesn't make sense but still some how works because the phrase itself is kinda cool, is also slick. Can't think of one off hand, but I have come across them from time to time.
But Stick's phrase isn't one of those, because it "almost" makes sense.
Stick - totally ignore me. It's a good song. Really.
Rick
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Post by oldgitplayer on Jan 9, 2013 13:52:15 GMT -5
'and hold me like a candle holds a flame' is one of the best lines I've read all week.
Some of the greatest lines in songs are metaphors where the meaning is either clear or implied.
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Post by mrkelley on Jan 9, 2013 16:48:59 GMT -5
'and hold me like a candle holds a flame' is one of the best lines I've read all week. It's one of the best lines I've read in years. |
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Post by marshall on Jan 14, 2013 8:15:14 GMT -5
Well. Back at the home away from home. Love the song. . . . , especially the extra chord at the end.  My only critical comment is the waiting and dragging out of "holds a flame." You're closing in on the clincher line of the tune, and then you back pedal and wander around vocally. I'd rather hear you state it outright. It's a great line. And a great tune. |
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Post by stickboy on Jan 14, 2013 17:42:07 GMT -5
Hello
Well I have been working on this today
What do you say (I have heard this far too many times today!)
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Post by mrkelley on Jan 14, 2013 18:28:04 GMT -5
Hello Well I have been working on this today What do you say (I have heard this far too many times today!) I think it's great. There are a couple of things you might want to do. The opening 2 lines are very similar, melodically, to either an early Bob Dylan song or something else from that era. I can't quite put my finger on which song it reminds me of. For the last line of the verses, instead of stretching out that last line -- "ho-o-o-lds a flame" -- what if you were to break it up into two lines? Hold me like a candle holds ...
like a candle holds a flame. |
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Post by stickboy on Jan 14, 2013 18:31:58 GMT -5
Hello Well I have been working on this today What do you say (I have heard this far too many times today!) I think it's great. There are a couple of things you might want to do. The opening 2 lines are very similar, melodically, to either an early Bob Dylan song or something else from that era. I can't quite put my finger on which song it reminds me of. For the last line of the verses, instead of stretching out that last line -- "ho-o-o-lds a flame" -- what if you were to break it up into two lines? Hold me like a candle holds ...
like a candle holds a flame.You are gonna have to do better than that Mr Kelley if you are to warrant a change - "similar" to something of the 60's era.... wow.... isn't everything? The other line, I think Marshall also mentioned this but I think the line will just become plain and less of a feature if I was to fill that gap with words What does everyone else say to these points? oh - and thanks also! |
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Post by mrkelley on Jan 14, 2013 19:31:47 GMT -5
You are gonna have to do better than that Mr Kelley if you are to warrant a change - "similar" to something of the 60's era.... wow.... isn't everything? The other line, I think Marshall also mentioned this but I think the line will just become plain and less of a feature if I was to fill that gap with words What does everyone else say to these points? oh - and thanks also! I just listened again. The first line is reminiscent of the list line from "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by Eagles. The second line is reminiscent of a line from "The Eve of Destruction." |
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Post by mrkelley on Jan 14, 2013 19:33:02 GMT -5
I just listened again. The first line is reminiscent of the list line from "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by Eagles. The second line is reminiscent of a line from "The Eve of Destruction." By the way, I'm not bothered by this at all. I just thought I'd point it out just in case it might bother you. |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Jan 14, 2013 20:07:32 GMT -5
FWIW - I must have sung Eve of Destruction a couple of hundred times at folk gigs and coffee bars in the 60's, but the said line didn't jump out at me.
I don't know the Eagles song.
Very nice song and arrangement all round.
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Post by monkeyuncle on Jan 15, 2013 6:39:53 GMT -5
Hello Well I have been working on this today What do you say (I have heard this far too many times today!) I think it's great. There are a couple of things you might want to do. The opening 2 lines are very similar, melodically, to either an early Bob Dylan song or something else from that era. I can't quite put my finger on which song it reminds me of. For the last line of the verses, instead of stretching out that last line -- "ho-o-o-lds a flame" -- what if you were to break it up into two lines? Hold me like a candle holds ...
like a candle holds a flame.I like the two line solution, but I would divide the words up a little differently: Hold me like a candle Hold me like a candle holds a flame I think there's enough room to deliver the full line the second time around, and it gives just a little bit of space for a pause between lines. Also, you get to interpret the simile two different ways: 1)hold me like you would hold a candle, and 2) hold me the way a candle holds a flame. Regarding the similarity to other songs, I don't know that the opening line is really conciously imitating another song so much as it is just covering very familiar harmonic and melodic ground. The harmony hangs on the I chord for most of the line, then briefly pops up to the IV chord and back down to the I. The melody parallels that movement by riding the 5 note of the I chord, then going to the 3 note of the IV chord, then finally going back through the 5 note and landing on the 3 note of the I chord as the harmony goes back to the I. Nothing wrong with that, it's just following a well-used folk song pattern. |
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Post by stickboy on Jan 15, 2013 8:50:09 GMT -5
Hmmmm is that "hold me like a candle holds a flame" line bothering everyone now? There was no mention in the demo... I think I am going to run with it... I actually like it elongated
Here is the final master mix
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Post by leeknight on Jan 15, 2013 9:29:03 GMT -5
This really has that old 60's folk thing going. I really enjoy it. I totally see barefoot hippie chicks, one on the tambourine, the others dancing. Some strumming acoustic guitars. And hippie Stick leading the pack of followers into the light. BTW, a chick would sound great in the harmonies perhaps an octave up from lead? Nice little sting at the end there. While I really do like it a lot, it seems to have a little wink going on with it. I like that. How about an acoustic 12 string solo?!?! Naw, you've already nailed it. Makes me smile. |
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Post by mrkelley on Jan 15, 2013 10:13:57 GMT -5
Hmmmm is that "hold me like a candle holds a flame" line bothering everyone now? It's a great line. But I think you may be diluting its effectiveness by drawing it out. Maybe repeating it isn't the way to go. Maybe you should just sing it straight through and let the guitar carry the chords to the end of each verse. Just a thought... |
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Post by marshall on Jan 15, 2013 12:37:55 GMT -5
I'm glad you still kept the last chord. I still think it'd be nice once or twice to sing the "Holds a flame" line straight as we expect it. Then it'd still give a fun emphasis to maybe the last time singing it delayed like you do. But it's your song. (And nobody listens to me anyway. ) And it is a great tune. I'm toying with working up a version I can play myself. (Always giving credit). |
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Post by stickboy on Jan 15, 2013 12:41:53 GMT -5
I'm glad you still kept the last chord. I still think it'd be nice once or twice to sing the "Holds a flame" line straight as we expect it. Then it'd still give a fun emphasis to maybe the last time singing it delayed like you do. But it's your song. (And nobody listens to me anyway. ) And it is a great tune. I'm toying with working up a version I can play myself. (Always giving credit). I'd LOVE to hear you do it! (and you can make that change as you desire) |
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