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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 26, 2012 0:17:02 GMT -5
This is a subject outside of my usual area of writing.
It's a song of possibilities that might have been, but could not eventuate.
Does it work?
Does the C V V V C structure work to convey the mood?
To save the heart of one
Intro :
Chorus :
We stood still in the setting sun
Not seeing that we were undone
But sometimes two hearts must be broken
To save the heart of one
V1
You spoke as if you'd always known me
As if time wasn't on the run
Your words seemed as if they only
Meant our time had just begun.
I felt the last warmth of the sun
V2
You smiled as if your heart was caring
Without a boundary to your love
Your eyes conveyed a way of sharing
With no below and no above.
I felt the last warmth of the sun
Instrumental Bridge :
V3
We touched as if the world was ours
And felt our willing souls were free
To fly together unencumbered
As if this time could always be.
I felt the last warmth of the sun
Chorus :
We stood still in the setting sun
Not seeing that we were undone
But sometimes two hearts must be broken
To save the heart of one
Outro :
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Post by monkeyuncle on Oct 26, 2012 5:36:24 GMT -5
Hi OldGit,
Congrats on kicking off the first thread!
Good lyric, as usual. The words have a nice rhythm and the imagery definitely works for me. But I can't really tell whether the unusual structure will work without hearing the music.
Just two little nits to pick:
"Your words seemed as if they only
Meant our time had just begun."
The word "only" seems misplaced. In its current location, it seems to be referring to "words" instead of "time."
The other thing - "To fly together unencumbered"
The word "unencumbered" seems a bit high brow for a popular-style song. I imagine it might be a clunker when sung.
Good work.
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 26, 2012 6:33:43 GMT -5
Thanks for the positive feedback.
I only wrote this one today, so it hasn't had a chance to simmer in the sub-conscious yet.
I usually like to leave them for a week before reworking them.
I take both of your points.
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Post by bee3 on Oct 26, 2012 9:20:18 GMT -5
Hi oldgit... I think it reads really well... But I'm left wondering what it really means... How does breaking two hearts save one?
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Post by oswlek on Oct 26, 2012 9:24:47 GMT -5
I like it a lot. As usual, I don't find much a problem with the things that bugged MU (we must be polar opposites, him and I), Mraz made "unencumbered" sound great in "You and I both" and it is a word that flows more smoothly than it should.
My only issue is with "undone" in the first stanza. The "un" seems extraneous, but I suppose it might be called for when I hear the phrasing.
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Post by leeknight on Oct 26, 2012 9:48:45 GMT -5
I really love it. Really love it. All of it. Bee makes a good point about the uncertain specifics of the two broken hearts saving one, but I think I got its menaing right away. Sometimes you have to split up to do what is right for one person. And in the process, two hearts do indeed break.
I really think it's great.
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Post by bee3 on Oct 26, 2012 9:51:49 GMT -5
Ahhh... I get it. So even though the heart is broken, it's better in the long run. This is why I never comment on lyrics.  |
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Post by leeknight on Oct 26, 2012 10:20:42 GMT -5
Ahhh... I get it. So even though the heart is broken, it's better in the long run. This is why I never comment on lyrics. Yeah, but I think it's important to say what you said. Because you are not alone. The idea is to communicate. If it is cloudy to you, it will be cloudy to someone else. And that is invaluable feedback to the writer. he can choose to be mildly obtuse and choose to go clearer. Both are valid choices, but it is good to know the effect your words are having on a listener. |
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lck
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by lck on Oct 26, 2012 10:46:15 GMT -5
I like it a lot. As usual, I don't find much a problem with the things that bugged MU (we must be polar opposites, him and I), Mraz made "unencumbered" sound great in "You and I both" and it is a word that flows more smoothly than it should I agree. It's a great word when sung... |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 26, 2012 15:02:32 GMT -5
Hi oldgit... I think it reads really well... But I'm left wondering what it really means... How does breaking two hearts save one? My intention was that the listener might relate to the idea in a way that might reflect their own life experience - therefore I wanted the wording to leave the possibilities open. The two hearts and the one heart could be the protagonists or The two hearts could be the protagonists and the one heart could be a 3rd party. Life can be messy. |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 26, 2012 15:07:49 GMT -5
I like it a lot. As usual, I don't find much a problem with the things that bugged MU (we must be polar opposites, him and I), Mraz made "unencumbered" sound great in "You and I both" and it is a word that flows more smoothly than it should I agree. It's a great word when sung... Glad to have positive feedback on this word. It felt like the cadence was there when writing, but until I develop some music, I'm always uncertain. And creating appropriate music takes forever with me. |
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Post by oswlek on Oct 26, 2012 15:21:08 GMT -5
Glad to have positive feedback on this word. It felt like the cadence was there when writing, but until I develop some music, I'm always uncertain. And creating appropriate music takes forever with me. Even saying it is nice, it has its own internal rhyme and the em/bered pairing is satisfying enough. |
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Post by unclenny on Oct 27, 2012 2:18:11 GMT -5
My intention was that the listener might relate to the idea in a way that might reflect their own life experience - therefore I wanted the wording to leave the possibilities open. Yeah....I like that idea a lot. I, of course, read it that the two hearts had to be broken now so that their one bonded heart could live on through time.   |
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Post by monkeyuncle on Oct 28, 2012 5:28:15 GMT -5
I like it a lot. As usual, I don't find much a problem with the things that bugged MU (we must be polar opposites, him and I), Mraz made "unencumbered" sound great in "You and I both" and it is a word that flows more smoothly than it should. I just realized that Bob Seger used "unencumbered" in the bridge to "Like a Rock," and that never bothered me. If it worked in that context, it's likely to work in this one, too, so I retract that comment.  |
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Post by graceslick on Oct 28, 2012 5:37:33 GMT -5
I, of course, read it that the two hearts had to be broken now so that their one bonded heart could live on through time. That is so sweet. lol That is something a true romantic would say. I love how this song is...bitter sweet. Two hearts have been broken...but one heart has been able to be saved or salvaged in that painful process...hmm... |
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Post by oldgitplayer on Oct 28, 2012 13:08:03 GMT -5
I love how this song is...bitter sweet. Two hearts have been broken...but one heart has been able to be saved or salvaged in that painful process...hmm... Ah - I'm glad that the bittersweet was conveyed. |
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Post by rsadasiv on Oct 29, 2012 15:14:26 GMT -5
Sure, lots of songs start with a chorus.
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